When someone cooks something for a celiac

We all love a warm gesture of someone making a meal for us. We would love to eat it too. I wish we could.

Have you ever refused the kindness offered by someone close to you? Maybe not. Maybe you’re more familiar with it that you’d like. I am the latter because of my dietary restrictions. This always comes up when someone cooks something for me. Especially when I am assured that it was made gluten-free only for my sake. I struggle to say ‘no’. Imagine the burden that might be put on me. Maybe you are someone who doesn’t need to imagine, you know it all too well. In that case, hello friend!

Photo by Avel Chuklanov on Unsplash

I end up asking how it was cooked and usually, they respond with a couple of obvious ingredients. However, the seasonings, dressings, oils and condiments are neglected. Even they weren’t, each ingredient can be safe or unsafe based on the brand. For example, if I get cinnamon branded ‘Teja’ (unsafe) vs ‘Suraj’ or ‘No Name’ (safe). I have learned that I am going to be sick if I eat food made by someone else.

That being said, I do appreciate their efforts. The gesture is so sweet and caring, it warms my heart. I don’t invade people’s personal space, but I’d hug them if I was comfortable enough with them. I understand that it is not east for them to cook something gluten-free. They learn much to even attempt it. Tbh, I have made mistakes with more than a year of learning. I don’t expect them to get it right. I only expect to not be misunderstood when I refuse.

Showing appreciation

We are thankful when someone does something for us. It’s not that we appreciate the thing itself but the thought and effort that was put it. However, we express appreciation by complimenting about the thing itself. Think of the last time someone made a birthday card for you. In the case of food, we appreciate it by expressing how good the meal tastes. But, I can’t taste it.

Finding safe-foods

It has been a long journey to learn what is safe and what’s not. Even toothpaste has to be picked carefully. I once found out that my go-to toothpaste didn’t claim to be without gluten anymore. Yes, that was after buying it and using it for a few days. Trust me, I would trade years of my lifespan to be able to eat without any worry. I have not put constraints on my diet intentionally, but the restrictions are governed by my genetics and medical condition. I don’t think anyone can learn all the nuances of food for someone, expect parents and partners maybe. I know better than to expect it from everyone close to me.

Cost of gluten-free food

The cost of gluten-free food is another barrier to socialising as a celiac. For example, picking a restaurant with friends is harsh. I cannot ask people to spend above their means, especially when I don’t even know their means. The only restaurants I trust are a bit on the higher end. I don’t eat out much. I only go out to eat to catch up or celebrate with friends or family. Regardless, if I had a choice I would not live gluten-free, it is expensive. I have to spend, albeit without choice, but I can’t force the same obligation on others.

Guilt and appreciation

I face an internal conflict when someone cooks something for me. I would love to express my appreciation by eating with them. However, knowing the risks involved, I have to refuse and carry the guilt. It is incredibly sweet when anyone cooks something with care and empathy; my refusal to eat will discourage them from doing it again. I may even push them away slightly. I have to bear that to live healthy and to function without adverse effects of food. The cost is worth it, but east to forget and hard to measure.

Social isolation

No matter how much I try to not put any pressure on others, social isolation is a real thing when living with celiac disease. I can’t share food with others which, socially, acts as a metaphor for not sharing good/bad moments either. According to data (2014), most celiacs have knowingly had gluten to maintain normal identity, avoid embarrassment or simply for convenience.¹ I don’t need data to know this.

Food is a social aspect of society. I would like us to find ways to socialise without the sharing of food too much. A random idea is a potluck dinner? Except I only eat what I brought, while others can share. Or maybe brown-bag lunch/dinners where everyone eats their own food. This way we can focus on having a good time and not on “taking care” of guests. It is like at restaurants, we just focus on eating with each other, instead of sharing.

What to do then?

For my friends and family: you may feel distanced from me. Please know my struggles, and how I would like to live normally. If any of you are reading this please understand that I would love to share food with you if I could. Let’s figure out other ways to have fun together.

I am sorry if you read so far looking for solutions. The truth is I have none. We all have to carry the weight of social isolation and pushing people away. With some friends, I have spent hours talking while doing something that didn’t involve eating, like hiking. I would love it if I could make more friends over other activities. So, let’s go for a photo walk, visit an art museum, hike to a waterfall, play badminton, read books together and discuss them and more. Let’s make such things more obvious to people with whom we can’t share, but can still make and share memories.

Thanks for reading!

1. Ryan D. Schroeder rdschr01@louisville.edu & Thomas J. Mowen (2014) “You Can't Eat WHAT?” Managing the Stigma of Celiac Disease, Deviant Behavior, 35:6, 456-474, DOI: 10.1080/01639625.2014.855105